Children - is a daily and not easy work.Of course, parents need to be - this is happiness , in particular realize that when your deathly pale said , smiling : "I love you ! " .But what if you fly out of the mouth of the child are totally different phrases , offensive , harsh ?Why is this happening ?How to respond to similar situations ?Should I be offended by their children?And what if in tender and kind , the child suddenly turned into aggressive ?
"I do not love you!", "You're a bad mother!" -
whether to be offended by their children?
"You - bad ! ", " Do not love you ! ", " I'll go to my grandmother to live!" - These phrases probably familiar to many parents.Heart chokes resentment : how can that be , I'm all for it, and it is!Tormented by the question : why did he say ?Really really do not like ?Really bad he thinks ?Is it really wants to live with his grandmother ?
In fact, it is probably the test is required to pass the majority of parents .Someone relationship with the baby is able to build so that such phrases are extremely rare , but in some families , unfortunately, they are familiar background communication.To deal properly with such unpleasant symptoms , to prevent similar actions in the future of the child , you must understand why this is happening ?What are the causes of such behavior ?Why did he say this ?Does achieve something or simply " let off steam " ?
Most often this occurs the child's behavior:
- 1. after the punishment or promises;
- 2. after the baby was not given what he wanted;
- 3. As a result actually unfair or cruel attitude towards him ( single or accumulated ) ;
- 4. the repetition of phrases a child from adults audible (perhaps jokingly);
- 5. As usual the child's behavior in relation to a particular person , if the people close to that person conflicts ( for example, parental attitudes ) .
Often the words " do not love you " - this is just a way to express resentment or rejection of child rights, the same as resentful silence , cry, throwing toys.But not always an expression of resentment is the only motive of pronouncing the baby cruel words .
We tend to think that a child " does not know what he was doing ," said cruel phrase , because it is still small , but it is not.Even the behavior of the child in 2 years can clearly demonstrate the goals he wants to achieve.What are the motives of such deeds , does this mean that you have an aggressive growing child ?So what should parents do in each case ?Should I be offended by a child to punish him or to ignore the situation?Let's face it.
When and how children's aggressiveness manifested?
To utter the phrase " I hate you !" " I do not like ... " at least need to be able to speak , put some words into sentences and understand their meaning .However , children's aggression is manifested not only after 3-4 years of age.
Up to 2 years.At this age there is no verbal expression , but there is the aggressive behavior of the child.If you learn at this age respond well to shocks , causing pain , biting, spitting , etc. , then the problem of child aggression may well not occur .The psychology of a child's behavior is now immersed in the study of the boundaries of what is permitted , " sounding out " clarify for themselves how parents react to provocative actions and deeds .
2-3 years.The kid learns to speak , rapidly accumulates dictionary and actively starts to use it.Meaning of the phrase as a whole , he understands.We can already hear the emotional short phrases such as " Mama bjaka ! ", " You're wrong! " , Etc.Now it appears the immediate emotional reaction to the ban adult or repetition of phrases heard by them from adults , " working off " speech .The kid can already act as a "support group" , uttering harsh sentence against one who has a conflict with his mom , for example.
3.5-5 years.This age is marked by active development of manipulative behavior in the child.He already understands that some actions entail certain parental reaction - win or punishment.And start to try, to use it.If harsh words or aggressive children yields positive result - the child gets what he wants - that is soon firmly entrenched in his behavior .
5.5-7 years.This is the flowering of manipulation.The kid starts using manipulation deliberately and is not so obvious and " straightforward ."Of course, not always cruel words - this is manipulation, it may be justifiable reaction to the offense, and a demonstration of " intercession ", " support group ."
How not to react to the cruel words of your child?
- 1. The response of irritation.Or when not shout at the child, do not scold him for what was said.His words - only the manifestation of some inner motive that you need to understand it and react accordingly ;
- 2. Physical aggression.Resist the temptation to spank the kid in "educational " purposes .Can a child and silent from fear , but only establish itself in the correctness of his words ;
- 3. indifference, real or sham.Saying " do not like ", " hate ", the child shows how important to him what had just happened.Do not build between you a new " wall" ;
- 4. concessions.Allow your child what was prohibited , if only he did not think that you do not love it, you're a bad mother - one of the biggest mistakes in the upbringing of children , which leads to the consolidation procedures.
- Situation One: "I am so offended!"
Little kids are very mobile and inquisitive .And sometimes mums have to limit such activity , not giving children some items , not allowing them to dangers.The response to this can be very rough : cry, stamping their feet and shouting : "Bad ! ", Etc.
The first motive of cruel words, and the earliest - the expression of resentment, just an emotional reaction.Express hurt this way even the smallest children, 1,5-2 years.Child Psychology is very straightforward - when you do not give him what he wants at the moment, he begins to protest.Kids, especially up to 3 years, to manage their emotions with great difficulty, and subject to interest them, can capture completely the desire to play with him almost irresistible.That's why kids are so violently react when they are not given or taken away from them something "forbidden", they thus also got themselves.The same reaction occurs when they decide to punish them.The protest and resentment - very strong feelings, the baby is difficult to express them properly, honestly, not every adult adequately deal with them.Baby, did not hesitate to say that now I feel: "You - bad!".At the moment, he is really angry at you.We adults "mask out" these feelings and "swallow" insults.But the child still does not have the social skills to the full, and says exactly what I was thinking.
The motive may be a child and the desire to convey to parents of them wrong, as a demonstration of resentment at injustice.Do not confuse a demonstration of resentment and its expression.Expressing offense, the child does it with an open heart, honestly, even if the words hurt your baby.But showing resentment, baby play-acting, overacting, exaggerating their own feelings, wanting to prove that parents are wrong.The purpose of showing resentment - the impact on the parents, "inflated" Does this silence, cry, or cruel words.To demonstrate the resentment toddlers begin around 3.5 years perfecting this "art" in the future.
- • What to do and whether to be offended by their children?
Offense just not worth it , anyway.Stay calm , and when the baby is calm , mutual love will return .How quickly this happens depends primarily on the temperament of the child, as well as from his fatigue , physical well-being , and in fact your mood.Someone will need about 10 minutes, and someone half an hour, began to abate the heat " of passion ."
Your task - to help the baby to calm down.Embrace it, if the baby lets do it.Do not insist if the breaks are not "violence" of his for his love.Just sit down side by side and face to face speaking with his feelings aloud, for example: "I know baby, you're upset that I took the iron."It is important to show that you understand the cause of his anger, because he is seeking your understanding.Speak several times the child's feelings to his "I do not like" gradually became "I was upset."Then explain the reasons for his action: "I can not let you play with the iron, it is dangerous.And I love you very much and I want you to be is healthy. "Repeat so that he heard the meaning of these words.Try to distract him, for example, making the baby massage fingers.Keep yourself calm, and soon the baby will calm down too.When he finally calmed down, once again say that love him greatly and try to protect against risks.
- Situation Two: "The hidden manipulation"
Kids often naughty and sometimes parents have to punish them : watch cartoons prohibit , restrict games and more.In these situations, children often say: "You are - bad , better if I lived with my grandmother ( / Dad ) ! " Or something like that.Upon hearing this for the first time , parents often otoropevayut and even cancel the punishment of surprise , if only to convince the child that these words are wrong.However , in this case is nothing more than an attempt to influence you .
Uttering harsh words , kids can pursue their own goals , fulfillment of their desires .Similar phrases are used to manipulate the children , the parents were allowed to that previously banned or abolished punishment.You must be able to distinguish the manipulation of resentment .
Manipulation "nowhere" are not born often - is spent behavioral stereotype.When parents, for the first time confronted with such behavior, are afraid that the relationship with the child may be destroyed, and overturned the ban, the child, even the original did not pursue any goal, suddenly understand that "no" can be changed to "yes", saying "the magic words. "For him, they are the words "you're bad" and "thank you" are identical.A couple of times he checks, and obtain validation of the method begins to use them, driving their parents.It's just a natural reaction of child psychology.
- • What to do, how to fix the education of children?
Manipulative behavior the child needs to be corrected .You need to break the stereotype .For example, you used to hear from the kid cruel words were angry , but he still played a whim , though understood that this should not be done .Now you have to be firm to the end stand his ground .You can not candy now, so - it is impossible.You can not take your makeup , so - it is impossible.
The aggressive behavior of the child will be even brighter.The child will use all of their waste "tools" to insist on his.It will take some time and not the only one "siege" that the baby was convinced: the past aggressive behavior of the child is no longer working.Your goal - to form a new stereotype of the old place.Show your child in a game, for example, that some requests are executed at once, it is only good to ask.Perform other should be postponed.And still others do not come true, especially if it is caused by security issues.Be consistent in your behavior: well-weighed before allowing anything or deny that there were no temptation to change its own decision.
- Situation Three: "Support Group"
Often kids are witnessing conflicts in the family and take someone's side , expressing their support to one person and " declaring war " to another .Kids are at the very tiniest express disagreement , so called, his opponent "phi" , to use the most unflattering phrase.Moreover, the baby can use offensive words , heard by adults in a conflict , for both adults when someone of them did not agree.
The child in this case does not express his own feelings , and just adjacent to the man who is closer to him at the moment.The kid is too small to properly evaluate the facts and remain neutral .Children - a more candid , it is out of their mouths actually hear the very harsh words that adults would like to say to each other , but can not.
- • What if the baby manifests aggressiveness?
If the child is aggressive because of the so-called "support group", to scold him for it is useless and meaningless.If you scold the child "significant", are actually experiencing the inner satisfaction of his solidarity with your position, such as "educational" measures can only strengthen the child's behavior.Out here the only one - to deal with their problems, and without the "complicity" and the presence of children.As soon as the voltage is lost, the kid also soften and cease to offend dear person.Does not conflict with the children, do not show your disrespect, intolerance.If the child has already appeared aggressive, try to show more respect, telling the child about whom you have a conflict.Flatten the situation, so that in time it stopped.
- Situation Four: "A cruel mother"
Unfortunately, there are mothers who do no matter what their kid (ran, decided to jump off the couch, I took another look at the toy), followed by screams."Loving" mother "rewards" a crumb mass epithets, if God forbid, a kid does something, as she does not like.In addition, more and slaps the baby with or without.When the baby falls, he said to my mother did not even run, because she does not regret, but rather scold for careless by awarding a new portion of slaps and screams.Such a situation, sooner or later will end logical: "You - the evil!Bad!Go away!I hate you.
Aggressive child - is the result of attitude to it, it is an expression of his true feelings.Often, parents are showing cruelty to children, used inappropriate punishment (physical or intimidation), "communicate" with the child standing on a raised voice, in anger destroy the dear baby toys.Then the child eventually loses the confidence of an adult, and his love and affection turns to hate.Such children early "mature" and the aggressive behavior of the child soon becomes the norm.The kid does not expect more "reach out", does not manipulate adults, but simply expresses the pain that had accumulated in his heart.
- How to solve the problem of children's aggressiveness?
The main difficulty - the realization that the baby really thinks and understands what he is talking to the same is for this reason.Of course, much easier to blame the child, transferring all of its "achievements", "feed, sing, dress, shoes, and he says that!".However, for the child it is important, first of all, to be loved, show love for him in a kind word, a touch, a look.Tiny important not to degrade, especially when outsiders.If you are being constantly irritated, raise the voice of a child, does not take along some cases, the harsh words in your address, can be endured true for him.Change the situation in this case is difficult, but possible.The first thing to do - is to change something within the adult.Often this requires a psychologist.And if this story is about you - do not hesitate with her permission!
The main conclusion to be drawn if there is a problem of child aggression , whatever its motivation - is to learn to forgive your crumbs , not hoard it evil is not offended by a child.Cruel words - only a consequence of errors made by the parents , whether it's inattention , rudeness or excessive softness .Be attentive parents look " deep into " the situation does not fight with the cruel words kid , and that lies behind them.And then you'll be much more likely to hear the words of tenderness and love of your crumbs .
A little more about what could be the problem of child aggression: