- «Problem Child": the problem of education, or a relationship?
- bad behavior and self-esteem
Many children misbehave not all, but only with individuals: father, mother, stepfather or stepmother, brother or sister of the bride (wife)or fiance (husband).The following examples illustrate how the usually sweet and obedient child can be a real monster, to behave provocatively or even insult a specific person (usually a family member).Why is this happening, and what parents can do to fix this problem?
Examples family situations
Example number one: When Lisa got married, she was sure that her three children will love her new husband Denis just like it.Her eldest daughter, Dasha (16 years), never evinced sympathy for her stepfather, but Lisa thought that over time, the ratio will change his daughter, because Dasha has always been a good girl and never harbored resentment.But Lisa was wrong.A few weeks after the wedding, mother Dasha began to behave with Denis openly hostile.
When he make the slightest attempt to establish themselves in the role of caregiver to Dasha advice or chide her, the girl just coming out of himself, arranging scandal.After a big quarrel Denis found for Dasha "curfew" - she had to return home by a certain time.As a result, Dasha completely stopped talking with Dennis and really did not say a word to him to him for two years.With all the rest of the family continued to chat Dasha and Denis remained only object of her anger.
Example number 2: Everyone who knew Boris, Light and their four children, have always considered them a model family, and constantly praised obedient, educated and politechildren.But no one could have imagined that behind the closed door, the family idyll is far different.Fifteen Dima behaves like a tyrant, especially in relation to his mother and younger brother.Sveta he talked with threatening intonations, and the six-year Tolia openly intimidated, does not hesitate to use physical force."When outsiders Dima - the very charm, - says Light.- But when we get back home, he turns into a completely different person. "
From birth, children have different attitudes to the people, someone like, and someone causes them frustration and anger.Even babies have different attitudes to the mother, nurse and family friend.Such differential treatment is maintained in the future, aggravated puberty awkward age - the period of emotional turmoil .Contrary to popular belief, children are well versed in the people and all the surrounding divided them into two categories.
When children grow
Who among adults has the authority and strength of character, and who - no?What adults can be manipulated by bad behavior and who does not lend itself to manipulation?With age, children begin to understand who is an adult may not insist on his own, who only threatens punishment for infractions and willingly believe (or pretend to believe) excuses, who are ready to hand down disobedience, and who seek to buy a location presents.Children understand, who is always ready to meet adults even the worst of their deeds, and who sets the rules and punish their violation.
When the bad behavior of the child manifests itself in relation to a single person, it is a sign that the child understand that such behavior will go unpunished, and this person can not resist him.Thus the "weakest link" can be a mother or a father, stepfather or stepmother, brother or sister.At first glance it seems that this behavior by the child receives no benefit and it is generally difficult to explain.
If the child insults his mother, calls her insulting words, it is unlikely to help him avoid the consequences of punishment for bad behavior.In fact, he behaves this way because he feels worthless and is asserting itself at the expense of those who can not give him a rebuff, for example, the mother.The only way he feels strong.Such children suffer from lack of confidence in themselves, their abilities and skills.Humiliating the weak, it seems currently strong and acquires confidence.It's a simple, one might say, a primitive behavioral dynamics.
To understand why children behave provocatively with some people, in particular, with their parents, imagine you have a boss who you do not like.For example, that the boss constantly gives you a lot of hassles.How often do you dream about, to send it?Perhaps you imagine in detail what would you say to him, and what a relief and a pleasure to feel after this conversation.
Most likely, in the first fifteen seconds you will feel euphoric, until you remember that now you have to look for another job.The same is true with children.They speak with his "boss" and get the satisfaction of humiliating him.Moreover, they can do it every day, because most of aggression aimed at relatives and family members.In the event that it is Dasha "said the boss," for two years (it contemptuous silence was more eloquent than any words).
If children show aggression toward his father or mother, they know how to approach the education of parents, they have the same views on education, or different.Dissociation of the parents - a kind of indulgence of bad behavior for children.When the father says one thing and his mother - completely different, the child can choose the view that suits him, and to use the split between the parents.He feels one of them "weak link", and it is constantly provoking or aggressive behavior in relation to that of the parents, who considers "unfair".